I couldn't wait to get that hug.
I made her jump out of line during the procession for her college graduation and everything. Sure, it was embarrassing because we both started crying and she ended up having to run to get back in line, but it was the best hug ever and I'll always be glad I reached out my arms to her.
My truth be told, I'm generally a pretty shy person and not prone to being super demonstrative. I don't like drawing attention to myself. My comfort zone is not standing out in the crowd. Right before I reached out to my daughter I had a moment of hesitation and sense of going out on a limb. It felt risky and I could feel my body brace and contract. My nervous system went into alert mode and I got a lot of physical signals to hold back and stay safe and just wave while she marched by. So glad I didn't!
Maybe this recollection resonates with you, or, maybe just the opposite and you can't understand why I would even mention it because, of course you show your love for your family whoever else is around, silly! Whichever response you have to my moment, the truth is that we all have those places where it feels risky and vulnerable to connect with someone or do something that feels scary.
And then there's AI (artificial intelligence). This isn't a non sequitur I promise. My partner was sharing yesterday about a podcast he was listening to about the growing trend of sex robots and robots that are being designed to be friends and companions for people. For sure, you can make a case for AI being a chance for folks with extreme social anxiety getting the contact that all humans need. Just like you can also make a case for fitness watches that count your steps and measure your heart beats and sleep patterns inspiring you to more self care.
I appreciate those points and they appeal to my value in all people having wellbeing, no matter their struggle. But what happens in the long run when we move away from doing the hard things ourselves? Do we really help ourselves when we make it easier to avoid human connection or when we don't pay attention to how we live our lives unless a machine gives us instructions and approval?
I believe that in a lot of ways this is about feeling safe. We have instincts built into our human systems that are designed to keep us alive. We have a nervous system with an alert system that activates a stress response when there is potential danger and it will send signals to our system to encourage us to move away from the perceived danger. It's often called our fight, flight, freeze response.
Here's the thing though: we need to experience stressful and scary things to become stronger in body, mind and spirit. That's what physical exercise is, right? We stress the muscles to make them stronger. Well, it's the same for taking risks in relationships and in other parts of our life. It is critical to building our confidence and wisdom--our love muscles as it were--love for others and for ourselves.
When we don't do hard things, when we don't lean into being vulnerable with others and with ourselves because we are afraid, we don't get better at being human. We certainly don't feel safer. In fact, we tend to feel less safe in more situations. Our nervous system stays on high alert because it has less discernment about what is safe and what isn't and we can experience fear that is increasingly debilitating.
Our response then tends to be that we focus on trying to control our environments and our relationships even more. Controlling anything other than ourselves is impossible so our nervous system never settles and it becomes a vicious cycle of anxiety and fear that literally exhausts and sickens us--all in the name of making life easier and safer. I could write 7 more newsletters on the societal impact of more people feeling less safe in their lives and communities but I imagine you get the picture.
I know first hand that this leaning in stuff is easier said than done and it certainly doesn’t get easier overnight. I've been teaching for 12 years still get nervous every time I teach a class. But oh the reward!
Yoga can help! Yoga helps you build trust in yourself so you don't let fear keep you from doing hard things AND helps you recover and rebound when you do hard things and still get hurt.
I would love to support you in feeling safer and more grounded by practicing doing scary things! Let's work together 1 to 1 or check out my upcoming offerings for group practices.
In the meantime, keep reaching for the hug!
Sending love,
Jen
