"Stillness is important for all who want to transform their pain instead of transmit it."
- Barbara Holmes
A wise friend posted this quote on Instagram a few days ago and, wow, it has stuck in me like glue ever since.
It's a simple offering that I know from experience works. It resonates so that I want to share it with others. It is rich in raw truth and I can feel its lessons are endless.
I know this because, if I’m honest, it also makes me a little uncomfortable. My relationship with stillness has been poking at me as I've been recalling recent intense family visits, processing a death in my family, and even just doing my daily yoga practice. Maybe the discomfort is the anticipation of feeling raw and vulnerable if I get still around an experience or emotion.
Generally, finding inner stillness has been a relatively easy and grounding part of my daily practices. It is not, however, so easy to do in the heat of the moment, when it can really help. When I'm under stress and more easily triggered into old patterns and stories, I don't always remember to get quiet and listen to the calm truth of my own untarnished wisdom.
Could I have used stillness recently to help me stay more compassionate with my family as they expressed their pain and not been short with them? For sure.
So am I just a fair weather friend to stillness?
I believe it's more that I'm in a new friendship with stillness so we're still in that awkward phase of getting to know and appreciate one another.
I had a moment recently when talking to someone that I have a long history with (read knows exactly where my buttons are) who made a passing comment about me that definitely triggered a sense of defensiveness. Ideally, I could have just let it slide and continued with the conversation but as I said I'm a new friend with stillness, not old steady friend...yet.
Historically, I would react and hold onto what felt like an insult that would have shaded that conversation and would have kept me disconnected and guarded in further interactions with this person. Instead, I paused, covered my face with my hands and said out loud, "Wait." To myself I said "Notice your reaction. Don't assume. Stay open." To the person I said, "What does that mean?"
Ultimately, that 3-4 second quiet pause gave me an opportunity to listen so I could learn that while there was a judgement in the statement they made, they didn't see it as a criticism. I also had time to feel my physical sensations and experience of consciously not jumping to reaction to understand that I didn't have to own anything they said, whether it was a criticism or not. That I could recognize my defensiveness as part of an old story I have about my own self worth and decide not to let what someone else was saying about me affirm that story.
I felt the truth and freedom of that in a new way even though I've heard and said to others many times that what others say about you doesn’t matter. I think that's an example of what that quote means about transforming versus transmitting pain. I healed versus hurt myself and others.
That tiny brief moment in my life was such a big gift from stillness. In those milliseconds of quiet I found my compass and stayed true to myself and my values. I also increased my belief that I can do it again. I stayed connected to myself and therefore was able to stay connected to others. At the end of the day, isn't it all about our relationships?
How about you? What's your relationship with stillness?
Artwork courtesy of Harmony Willow Studios (@harmonywillowstudios)
